I fought the yeast and the yeast won.

It was just not in the cards for me to nurse my children. After a horrible experience with Lily, I decided that I was going to try again, but not put pressure on myself if it didn't work. Easier said than done.

The main problem with feeding Lily was that she would never latch. So we tried for a week (and I say we because it took both James and I to try to get her on). Because we didn't want her to get confused, we would feed her with a dropper, that's right a dropper. So every feeding (8 times a day) consisted of attempting to latch her for 30 minutes, then feeding her with a dropper, and then pumping. After a week of this, I came downstairs in tears, handed the baby and a bottle to James and decided I was done. I did continue to pump for two more weeks, but two cases of mastitis ended that too. It was a hard decision to make, but the right decision. I fought with Lily the whole first week of her life, and we both were so relieved to switch to bottles. Both of us were much happier.

After that experience, you would think it would have been easier this time to not put too much pressure on myself. Not so. Sarah Ellen was the opposite of Lily and latched on immediately. It was exciting and a huge relief for both James and I to see how good she was at it. Things continued to go well, except for the excruciating latch on pain. Sixteen times a day, I would grit my teeth, slam my feet on the floor, and say cuss words in front of my newborn as she latched on. Everyone said it would get better, so I hung in there. Then I started to get burning pains as well. I soon found out that this was caused by an invasion of yeast. Sarah Ellen had thrush which she passed on to me. Who knew that a little bit of yeast could be painful? Well it is. The problem with yeast is getting rid of it. The lactation consultant was adamant that I needed to take high powered medication to get rid of it or else we would continue to pass it back and forth to each other. The Internet also recommended this. The doctors, however, disagree with this new protocol and gave me the original amount of medication. Along with the meds, I had to boil everything used by Sarah Ellen everyday, wash laundry in hot water everyday, and keep everything scrubbed clean (in all my spare time). Despite meds, vinegar rinses, creams, taking acidophiles, eating yogurt, and taking garlic pills, I could not get rid of the stuff. So, the yeast won, and I gave up breast feeding. Once again, it was a horrible decision to make, but the right one for us. I can't explain the relief at giving her that first bottle. I also don't think that Sarah Ellen was getting enough to eat, because she was losing weight, but after 5 days on formula, she gained 11 ounces.

Society puts so much pressure on women today to breast feed. I sometimes think I should have tried harder, but then I remember that pain and know that I tried as hard as I could. Sarah Ellen is thriving and such a content and happy baby girl. I can also look at my oh so smart Lily Bean and know that they are going to be just fine on formula. This is one mama that is happy to bond with her baby with bottles. Not to mention, James can now do night feeds!!!!